It’s not uncommon to struggle with communicating about our needs. We may hold back because we feel like it isn’t important, or we don’t want to upset the other person. It could be that we don’t know how to say no. Whatever the reason, this can lead to us feeling disappointed or let down in our relationships. We may not feel heard, or respected. 

If you answered yes to any of the above you could benefit from setting clear boundaries with people, and developing your assertive communications. 

At the moment, you likely find yourself unfulfilled in relationships, resentful, or always running on the hamster wheel of life. You may not have a lot of time for yourself, or you may be doing things you’d prefer to pass on. You’re not alone in this.

To help you out – we’re going to go through a simple strategy from Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), that will help you to get your needs met and get what you want (within reason!). 

Describe the situation

Express your feelings

Assert yourself and ask for what you want or say “no”

Reinforce how they will benefit from your request

Mindful – don’t let yourself get distracted by attacks, or changes of subject

Appear confident throughout the discussion

Negotiate with the other person to achieve an agreeable outcome for everyone

DEAR MAN aims to explain WHAT to do (DEAR) and HOW to do it (MAN). 

Here’s an example of how to use DEAR MAN (this relates to sharing the workload at home, but could easily be applied at work in other contexts!):

Describe: I have taken on a large amount of the chores for the family in recent weeks.

• (Provide the facts only. Leave the emotions for the next step.)

Express: I feel overwhelmed by this and going to work, I feel resentful that I need to do these additional tasks.

• (Share your feelings. Where possible use “I” statements rather than “you” statements as “you” statements often lead a person to feel defensive.) 

Assert: I would like you to stack and run the dishwasher on the days I cook dinner.

• (Ask for what you want or say no clearly. Do not assume the person knows what you want or need.)

Reinforce: This would show you respect me and allow me more time to be present with the family. 

• (Help the person understand why they would want to give you what you want by outlining the positives of giving you what you want / the negatives of not giving you what you want or need.)

Mindful: Repeat yourself as needed. Be mindful of your goal in asking, don’t allow yourself to be distracted by attacks and don’t allow yourself to be dismissed.

Appear confident: Make eye contact and try to keep your voice calm (it can help to practice what you want to say in advance)

Negotiate: Be prepared to offer solutions that may be more acceptable, or offer willingness to discuss this (this does not mean to compromise on your own need!).

Here’s another one – this time on saying no and negotiating deadlines:

Describe: I advised that I need to leave on time today and you have requested I complete an additional project after hours. 

Express: I feel like you do not respect my time and that you have not listened to me in our previous discussion.

Assert: I cannot work overtime today.

Reinforce: I would be happy to prioritise the task within my working hours tomorrow.

It isn’t always necessary to give reasons when saying no.

Sometimes, we can be better off simply stating “No I can’t help you” than giving a reason – this is because when we provide reasons for our response, we open dialogue for solutions to our no.

We can assert ourselves by saying no to a request AND be worthy of respect / a good person. 

If this has been helpful, check out our “Boost Your Boundaries” on demand webinar and workbook to review your boundaries and start working through DEAR MAN. You may also want to check out our up coming DBT Skills Course: A Life Worth Living” or you can contact us to arrange an appointment to work on your boundary setting and interpersonal relationships.